Sarah Hyland and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are all the same person

I have a lot of heart to hearts with a girl.

A very beautiful girl. She's actually breathtaking. I used to think that was just something people said.

She made what was previously just a saying, a reality.

She turned metaphor to science.

She's magic.

I love her.

We were talking very late one night and she looked at me, fluttering green eyes lined with questions, and said that 'Sarah Hyland is gross and she would kill herself if she looked like Sarah Hyland!'

I told her that isn't true.

She is only saying that because she has lived her entire life looking like physical perfection. To one day look like her and the next look like Sarah Hyland is certainly worthy of suicide.

I agree. It's certainly more worthy of suicide than young love. Is it not Romeo?

Actually let me put this in terms of penis size so men can feel the gravity of this very important issue.

I don't mean this in an immodest way but I have a far above average sized penis. Very far above average.

I would be crestfallen if it was taken away from me tonight and tomorrow I woke up with 5 1/2 inches of uncircumcised, curved yuck yuck.

What my beautiful friend and you all need to remember is that Sarah Hyland has looked like she was drawn in crayon by Dr. Seuss's steady hand her entire life.

At age 23 she is more than settled in. And credit to her, she is doing great! She is a TV star! I might lend her my great big penis to celebrate with!

It's like how paraplegics are just as happy with their lives as Adrian Peterson, who can run through a wall of brick and mortar.

This is an inarguable medical fact. Look it up.

Life is really all about perspective. And the only thing close to resembling my beautiful best friend one day waking up and looking like Sarah Hyland and Thing 1 and Thing 2 is something that sadly she will never escape.

Something that has taken down all the greats.

Something with an undefeated record.

Age.

Take a look at Diana Rigg, who plays Lady Tyrell on Game of Thrones.

She was so hot in 1969 that she married James Bond in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service".

She was so hot she convinced James Bond to marry her?!?!?!?!

Do you know how hot that is?!?!?!!?!?!

There are 23 James Bond movies and he has been married once.

Mercury is not that hot. And it is almost touching the sun.

Anyway, the point is that now it is 2014 and she looks like Mason Verger after Hannibal Lecter made him peel his own face off.

That has to be a rough transition, not dissimilar from being an NBA 2-guard. Like Dwyane Wade, for instance. His entire career has been predicated on being the fastest, most tenacious, most explosive guy on the floor. Father time has stripped all of that from him.

He's basically standing on the court naked. The question is, can he can he evolve? The old clothes don't fit.

He needs new ones.

Will he go the Diana Rigg route and and adjust and learn to shoot corner 3s or will he keep trying to play like he's always played like Janice Dickinson who will not surrender to being old and ugly.

She still believes that with enough stretching and pulling she can make her face look 19 again.

This is sad.

Evolving is hard. Life is hard.

But there is hope. For all of us. Even Janice Dickinson.

I hope you like my work. I really hope you enjoy my doppelgangers as much as I enjoy creating them :) Remember, you heard it here first.

Warhol, Michelangelo, Shakespeare, Stein, Monet, Yeats, Kahl. And not in that order. The best is yet to come for me. Those other assholes are already in the ground.

xo

P.S. maybe not Janice.