Empty Lighthouse is a reader-supported site. This article may contain affiliate links to Amazon and other sites. We earn a commission on purchases made through these links.

She manages her IG account about as well as Fredo Buss manages the Lakers.

Look brilliant angel, we don't care about your college test scores or your Eggs Benedict.

Instagram is about sex.

Now before everyone gets real real mad at me for objectifying women remember that I did not create a medium that is picture based.
Especially female picture based.
More especially female ass based.

Hosted on a thing called the internet where fish-eyed lens shots of vaginas get about 400,000 more clicks per day than the LA times.

If we were talking about best poets, I would not factor in anyone's beauty. And I sure as fk wouldn't factor in anyone's gender.

But we talkin' bout pictures.
We ain't even talkin' bout poetry.
We talkin' bout pictures.

You made pictures popular. Not me.

I'm not going to sit here and compose a 500 word column comparing the travails of TS Eliot vs the sideways logic of fking Tender Buttons. I mean, I would.

And even better yet, I could. But you care about the shape of Christine Gabel's ass more than verbal Cubism.

You feel that pull on your neck right now????


You do?

Yeah, that's your fucking head nodding.


Typically I prefer girls with green eyes but it's hard to fuck w the dark dark hair - dark dark dark eyes - impossible bone structure triumvirate.

Believe me, i know ;)

PS I know I "lambasted" her for not posting enough pics of herself and as much as it hurts her spot on this countdown, my God it is probably the most attractive quality that a girl this physically perfect can have. More attractive than having a dad who owns a GV even.

Do you know how hard it is to look like her and not smash everyone over the head with it as if it were a bar of Dove soap in a pillowcase? It's like Justin Bieber driving 20 mph in a car made to go 200.