Instagram Power Rankings @Mirandakerr

By my measurement, at this instant, she's the second prettiest girl on the face of the earth.

Ditto most beautiful. Ditto hottest.

I love it when girls complain about being called hot. Do you really want to dictate the adjectives I use to describe you to twist a compliment into an insult.

Guess what asshole?

Life is going to continue to be hard for you.

She is physical perfection. Anyone who says that there is no such thing as perfect has either not seen Miranda Kerr or is a liar. And everyone has seen Miranda Kerr.

Do you know who else is a liar?

Anyone who says they would rather have sex with their wife instead of Miranda Kerr.

No one has ever looked at a picture of Miranda Kerr and said, "that's nice but God I can't wait to get home and have sex with my 28 year old wife whose prime rose, fell, and evaporated her senior year of high school that I only married because I was too stupid to pull out."

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Me and Tom Brady and Leo DiCaprio and George Clooney didn't all gather around and get our dicks out and have a special meeting of the dicks conference where we decided that we were going to be attracted 5-10 119 lb 22 yr olds. Our dicks all made this decision separately.

There was no handsome guy dick conference. And I know for a fact that all dicks agree with our dicks because the only dicks capable of getting who they actually want, choose 5-10, 119 lbs 22 yr olds.

(Miranda Kerr is 30 by the way, but visually she is 22. And she has at least 4 more years of being 22. She's so hot it's fucking vampiric.)

Hollywood is built on this principle.

If we were hornier for our wives than we were for movie stars the whole thing caves in.

Do you know who buys tickets to watch Scarlett Johansson show her boobs in some boring semi retarded slog of an alien movie? Not people that would rather have sex with their wives.

I'm not talking about love either. Maybe you do love your wife. But does love soothe the animal inside you?

Love is relatively new. Lust is as old as time.

I've been in love. In fact I think I'm in love right now. But love does not make me less of a beast.

It makes me want to be less of one, I suppose. I strive to curtail this hunger. I feel like I should be praised for this effort.

My body is the devil. My heart is god. They are raging.

The sheer fact that I've already had sex with a girl makes it less appetizing than someone new. Is it fair? Do I like it? Irrelevant.

It just is. Wishing to change it is no different than wishing for blue grass and a green sky.

But because I value thought and feeling and even righteousness over carnal instinct, I always sacrifice the physical craving for the emotional safety. And I always will.

That is evolution.

The question is, would I do that if I was Leo DiCaprio? Maintain this..... humanity?

Maybe not.

I imagine he has a daisy chain of supermodels at the snap of his finger. And if not supermodels, aspiring supermodels.

And if not aspiring supermodels, above average looking fans. That's a circumstance I have never been in. It's tough to say what I'd do.

Doing the right thing is easy when you have to work to do the wrong thing. But what if doing the right thing requires more work than the wrong thing?

What becomes of us then?

It's easy to criticize the wolf for being bad and terrorizing your friends when you're a sheep. But what if you're a wolf? If you're a wolf you're not going to forfeit the wolf stuff and do sheep stuff. You're going to do wolf stuff.

A sheep only acts like a sheep because he's a sheep. He'd trade in all that pity and fluff for a pair of fangs and the opportunity to raise hell in a second. And he'd never, ever, look back.

However, at my current state, I can say without a shred of insincerity, that I would rather have one girl who I love and trust. And even with that love and trust and standing tall and resolute in my attempt to be monogamous, I feel like Miranda Kerr could break me if I fell into her grasp.

The key would be staying the fuck away from her. Which I would.

I think.

I hope.

Whatever.

But think of poor Orlando Bloom. He actually got her. I mean got her, got her. She was his wife. Was being the operative term but still.

Can you imagine his life right now? The only possible girl Orlando Bloom could have sex with and not miss her is Gisele. That is the biggest danger of actually attaining a girl that looks like this.

I mean, it's one thing to fantasize about her. But what happens when she becomes real? It's not like she asked to look like this. As much as she surely loves rattling mens' cages and watching them spill their coffees all over themselves like Tom Cruise buzzing the tower in Top Gun, it must get old. The key to her heart is treating her like a regular girl.

That shit where you make me nervous and I follow you around holding your clutch is only cute the first couple weeks. What happens when we live together and I'm still pinching myself because you're so hot.

I'm sure Orlando Bloom is more seasoned than I am.

But not by much.

And I would spend the entire relationship in fear of her breaking up with me because I would know the next girl wouldn't be that hot.

And not even because I couldn't get a hot girl but because statistically speaking there are only a handful of girls on earth that look like this and 50 percent of them are all down partying at Clooney's Italian villa while the other 50 percent are getting slapped on the ass by a saloon door on their way out of Leo's bedroom.

Add that to the normal heartbreak of a relationship ending with a regular girl and it'd just be too much to take.

I mean, I miss silly things during sex from girl to girl like boob size or height or the weight of a kiss but think of the precipitous downfall from Miranda Kerr to say, someone even moderately hot like Shailene Woodley.

Having sex with Shaliene Woodley is closer to having sex with Jude Law than it is to having sex with Miranda Kerr.

http://instagram.com/mirandakerr

Photo credit Mario Testino GQ UK May 2014