INSTAGRAM POWER RANKINGS @stephclairesmith

Everyday I get asked, "how do you pick?"

It just boils down to whose account keeps me scrolling.

And then wake up and scroll some more.??

Scrolling while I'm on dates.??

Scroll.

??Scroll. ??

I remember when I thought Scarlett Johansson was hot. So dumb. It's similar to when I thought school teachers were smart.

I was ashamed of my own stupidity for not realizing it sooner but overall I was glad to be enlightened.

I fking love Steph's body.

Her face is not so good. I mean, it's ok, but not elite. She looks like Lauren Conrad.??

If the real LC had a body like this, Laguna Beach would've been a whole other kind of show.

??Lets just say her favorite position probably would not be CEO because she'd be getting a whole other level of dick.

?Look I love Something Corporate but there's no way that beady-eyed bucket head knows how to fuck.

And look, I know you twats are going to say Steph's beautiful don't call her average. "You're a dick. Stop putting down women."

It isn't a put down. It's an observation based on copious amounts of research. That's a fact, Jack.

We're here ranking looks.

The moment I start being nice instead of telling the truth is the moment this turns into the Maxim Hot 100 where I rank girls based on publicists and reach arounds. Besides, what's she gonna do? Double not fuck me?

She knows her face is average.

?She's also Australian. And something always seems a little off with "these people". I can say "these people" because they are all white. Haha I hope that goes down as smooth a codeine. Anyway, I can never put my finger on it. Like a certain degree of fraudulence.

Naomi Watts has it. Nicole Kidman has it. Kylie Minogue.

Rebecca McNamee. The list goes on. It's like when Alex Rodriguez is being interviewed and he answers questions so robotically it's like an alien thinking "what would a human do". It's like that.

?Her face is average.

Her body is far from it. It's right on the fringe of ultra skinny and toned. It's a perfect hybrid made specifically for my boner.??

It's artwork. Truly.

It's proof of divinity is what it is. ??

By all accounts she seems sweet. She has a boyfriend that looks like my dad and a cute little doggie named Scamps.??

And look, being super hot and taking selfies is not attention whoring. I mean, it is. But not anymore than anyone else.

Everyone does it, it's just that she happens to be super hot so it rubs you the wrong way. I am a jealousy jedi. No one is more familiar with it than I am.

?It tickles me that there is no such thing as a female narcissist. It's always that "she wants attention." Not that "she's so into her self".

I get called a narcissist and she gets called an attention whore. Just because we're both smoking hot.??

As Ben Gibbard might say, "there are different names for the same things."

I should have written Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus.

??xoxo
http://instagram.com/stephclairesmith

photo by Steph