INSTAGRAM POWER RANKINGS @_rachelannc

She's a good, nice girl so she has two separate Instagrams. One that's good and nice and then one that's just her portfolio. This is about her portfolio page.

Can we talk about perfect breasts for a minute. She has them. But you can't see them on her Instagram, because just like this page, she is not allowed to show her nipples on her Instagram.

Maybe one day we will live in a world where nipples are not discriminated against just because of gender.

I mean, what's in a name? That which we call a nipple by any other name would smell as sweet?

Bastardization of Shakespeare. If that's what you are looking for, you came to the right place.

Perfect breasts unlike overall perfection, does exist.

Blonde girls and big floppy Kate Upton boobs. That's what dumb people like.

Big boobs are like fake boobs. You look great dressed but when the clothes comes off it's a lot of exhaling and eye rolling.

Usually big boobs come with big spots on other places of the body.

Speaking of Kate Upton, let me tell you something about hot chicks Navi. Her E.online.com "tasteful" selfie is tasteful because she is covered up.

And she covered herself up because she is fat. She'll have to do better than that if she wants to get into heaven.

If her BMI is under 36, I'll hand this column over to the Huffington post.

Tonight!

I suppose one could argue that the big boob skinny loophole - aside from Emily Ratajkowski, who is so impossible I feel like she is a weapon created by Nazi scientists - is fake boobs. But the problem with fake boobs is that they come with some sort of strange mental disorder.

It's kind of like when a guy says they are a woman trapped in a man's body. "I'm a big boob person trapped in a small boob person body." Same principle. ??

I'm not here to say it's wrong. I'm just saying that's not your wife.

??Most people are pretty good at hiding their disorders for a few months of the relationship but this is basically like wearing a special needs reflector vest.

I mean, I'm Kobe Bryant trapped in this skinny white boy body. If there was a Gattaca surgery that could make me 6-6, 212 with a 40 inch vertical, I'd do it.

Inside of me there is an NBA 2 guard just dying to get out and score 50 points in 4 straight games.

Sign.

Me.

Up.

But the truth is, you are your best by being you.

Dying your hair, wearing colored contacts, nose jobs. All of it. There's always going to be a natural blonde.

Someone with naturally blue eyes. Someone with a Doutzen Kroes nose. And all their God given shit is always going to beat out your man made shit. Even if it's close.

But it's all about you and you feeling good. Right?

That's equally as believable as dinosaur fossils being placed in the earth as a test of faith.

Anyway, Rachel is hot. Follow her blah blah etc etc.

xo

http://instagram.com/_rachelannc

Photo by Khoa Bui