INSTAGRAM POWER RANKINGS @maysonkai

Mayson Aber

She has the most intimidating eyes in the history of the internet.

Maybe even the world.

I'm so attracted to her face that I feel fear. I'm 31 years old and a girl can be so physically attractive that my first response is fear.

Not lust or even magnetism or happiness but an "oh god" feeling. Like "what do I do?"

"Just be cool."

It's that Abbey Lee Kershaw shit where she looks at you and if a dagger pierced your heart you wouldn't notice.

If I have kids, I want to have them with a girl that looks like her in case we have a girl so she can be pretty too and have copious amounts of power over boys like me.

I hope that doesn't sound superficial but if it does don't blame me, blame the world, blame God. Just not me.

I was actually talking to a girl the other day about how if I could change one thing about myself it would be to make myself bisexual. Like if penis was equal to vagina. Like if I could feel the same way about men that I feel about women.

Everywhere I turned it would be sex. Although part of me worries that the severity of my attraction to super hot girls would be sacrificed in this transition.

Is there truly enough desire in my body for both genders?!?!?! As Dr. Drew says, "there are no free lunches in nature."

It sure would suck lots to be less attracted to Mayson than I am right now.

But what if it didn't work that way! What if there was a free lunch and I could eat my cake and my pie (that's a new saying that I use instead of have my cake and eat it too because that is piping hot sausage link of bullshit nonsense. My kingdom to the first person who can make sense of that without contorting their face like Walt.

Jr. trying to pronounce "archipelago.")

Anyway, wouldn't that just be bliss? And then maybe I could join a pro sports team and shower with all the hottest pro athletes and look at their weenies whenever I felt like it. Sign me up.

It'd be no different than the current incarnation of myself taking a shower with Mayson and Abbey Lee along with Amber Heard and Gisele Bundchen if we were on some sort of coed good looking people stunt team and we showered together like Starship Troopers.

My mouth would be hanging so far open none of the water would hit my body.

No, it'd be like having a foot fetish!

Did I ever tell you guys about that. Oh my God I need one so bad.

I need to be horny for feet.

If I did tell you this before, fuck it, it's worth talking about again. And a million more times after that.

Imagine if the thing you were into was always exposed??? I'm normal so I have a vagina fetish and that is always under some pants. And I have to work super hard to get them off.

Now imagine if the thing I wanted was widely accepted as something that could be exposed all the time.

Paraded in front of me nonchalantly wherever I went. If I were a small Asian woman with a shrill, abrasive tone I could easily get a job touching them!

Now imagine if I was into man feet and woman feet! That is my idea of heaven.

Bisexual with a foot fetish.

Pray for me. Xo

http://instagram.com/maysonkai

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photo by Eddie Chacon. Bless you.

(I put a super cute gold halo over her nipple because she's an angel and I want to kiss her)