Paula Patton & January Jones *Al Jolson Special*

Swaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

How I love ya. How I love ya.

I am sure that Al is twisting around in his grave muttering something in Lithuanian.

Oh no not about me resurrecting his good name and planting it like a flag deep into the right cheek of pop culture's big fat ass, but because he just cannot believe that January Jones made it as an actress.

She's not good enough dammit!!!!

What I love most about Ashton Kutcher telling January Jones to quit acting is that it is so wildly contiguous to the rousing speech he gave at the Teen Choice Awards.

I mean, it's so contiguous, Lego is jealous.

If Tony Robbins is a slightly less autistic version of Gheorghe Muresan. Then Ashton Kutcher is a slightly less autistic version of Tony Robbins.

I'm inviting all three of them to speak at my wedding.

I'm not disagreeing with Ashton Kutcher's message that you need to work hard to be successful.

It's just that no one wants to hear a male model talk about what a terrible struggle their life was anymore than they want to hear Walt Jr. battle rap KRS-One.

Believe me, I know.

It's like when Heidi Klum says that she couldn't get a date in high school.

Shut the fuck up Heidi Klum, you have been the prettiest girl within a 200 mile radius of anywhere you stood for the last 26 years in a row.

Hard work is mostly a waste of time if you aren't good looking. Or good at something.

So the order is 1) be hot. 2) be talented. 3) then start working hard. It helps if somewhere between 2 and 3 that some punk ass in a trucker hat tells you that you're not good enough.

January, I got you boo. And I know you are excited about your life as a single mom but I feel like that is just something single moms say to keep from creating a 5th ocean worth of tears. I think maybe your baby will have a better life if he has a daddy too. I mean I'm not an expert or anything.

It's just that, well, what I'm saying is that.... well I guess I'm offering to move in with you.

We don't even have to get to know each other first. We can just get married. You know, like they do in Pakistan.

Don't resist or you might miss Christmas.

Because, you know who else is now single? Paula Patton.

God, Paula Patton. Now that is someone I want to move in with.

Talk about a show stopper. Not only is she so hot that I weep with her movement, but she is also a vital tooth in the mighty wheel known as the "Beyonce Knowles All-Stars". Patent pending.

You know how Sports Guy Bill Simmons has the "Reggie Cleveland All-Stars" for when an athlete's name seems to indicate that they are a different race from what they actually are.

The "Beyonce Knowles All-Stars" is made up of black women that look white. This is a little tricky considering it is 2014 and everyone is mixed.

You could make a fairly solid argument that everyone on earth is biracial except for maybe Derek and Julianne Hough.

Here's our squad:

C - Vanessa Williams (the Godfather off the "Beyonce Knowles All-Stars". Think of her as Patrick Ewing on the Sonics. Not quite sure what she is doing or how she got here.

Looks a little sad all the time.)
PF - Alicia Keys (she's basically Anthony Mason. Staring ppl down.

Our enforcer.)
SF - Kerry Washington (the Pippen to Beyonce's Jordan.)
SG - Beyonce Knowles (our leader and namesake.

The offense runs through her.)
PG - Rihanna (she's like Chris Paul in that she will punch you in the dick the moment the ref looks the other way.)

Bench:
-Paula Patton (best 6th man since Jalen Rose.)
-Maya Rudolph (despite Alicia Keys proposal to only let hot chicks on the team, I gave in when Minnie Riperton called me up and begged.

Little League politics all over again.)
-Amber Rose (she is one of those guys like from the Air Up There with Kevin Bacon where they didn't start playing basketball until they were 24 1/2.)
-Tyra Banks (she is our chemistry guy.

She likes to wear the Rip Hamilton mask sometimes just to scare ppl)
-Halle Berry (Q Richardson) & Zoe Kravitz (Darius Miles)

(gulp)

Anyway.....

Paula Patton and January Jones look exactly alike.

So, um, yeah.