Joseph Gordon-Levitt & John Legend

This is my first ever Al Jolson Special.

Super hot, tall 19 year olds are my favorite kind of girls to sleep with.


(I said that in my Gary Oldman from the Professional voice)

Anyway, the lion's share of them (roughly 92-95 percent of them, to be oddly specific) were choosing Clooney and DiCaprio over me so I needed an angle. I didn't have the means to woo them with Murcielagos, Arabian horses and Italian Villas so, sadly, begrudgingly, I targeted their hearts.

And if you know anything about super hot, tall 19 year olds in Los Angeles it's that the way to their hearts is through Minstrel Shows.

If you so much as mouth the word "Mammy," you better come packing an oil pan or you will have a mess on your carpet.

Al Jolson was a true master. Look him up on YouTube.Watching him sing and dance is the least negotiable thing on earth. It's like looking at picture of Cindy Crawford from 1989.

Yes, he power-washed his face with charcoal and yes, he talked like Mel Blanc if you squeezed his balls and told him to do an impression of Samuel L. Jackson from Django Unchained. But game recognize game.

I don't particularly like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I hate that my ex-girlfriend called him hot.

She was too inarticulate to describe what she was actually attracted to and just defaulted to hot. This is why fucking buckethead looking window ass lickers like Channing Tatum are named People Magazine's most beautiful man.

If someone with 1 1/2 crossed eyes wins your beauty contest, your contest is broken and you should all be fired.

This would never happen with men. We'd never see a super charismatic girl that could shake her ass and had marginal talent and celebrity and call her hot. Miley Cyrus, for instance. She is skinny and rich and famous and slutty and we all really really really want to fuck her for all that.

We would not confuse those things for hot. Candice Swanepoel is hot. She could wave her hand like a retarded magician and turn all of our penises into German grenades. Miley Cyrus is not even the same species.

My ex used to love 500 Days of Summer. I hate it.

I wanted to cry but my stomach was tied in too many knots. I hated Zooey Deschanel's character the most I hated anyone in any movie not including Penelope Cruz in Blow.

But the saving grace was that every time I looked at JGL's dumb looking smug ass pouty face, I thought of John Legend.

And then I thought of Chrissy Teigen.

And then I beat off.

Many people have come to me saying Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks more like Heath Ledger (who oh by the way still needs to apologize for basing his Joker on Tommy Lee Jones' character in Under Siege and acting like we wouldn't notice that shit. You can trick those old applesauce-gumming codgers at the academy but you can't trick me.

Vanilla Ice ass motherfker). They also say that John Legend looks more like NBA chucker Mo Williams.

First, shut the fuck up. None of you have doppelganger columns on Empty Lighthouse.

Second, those are not bad offerings but this...this is Blackface Magic. Which is also my gay porn name.