Instagram Power Rankings: @kyrasantoroxx

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Her name is Kyra Santoro. The x's are for hugs :p

The owner of the best body I have ever seen, male or female. I imagine if I were as gay as all of your boyfriends say, i might have a different choice.

By the way, calling me gay as an insult means you don't think I'm actually gay or it wouldn't be an insult. It would just be a trait. Right?


Anyway, that's slightly hyperbolic. My best body award fluctuates depending on who I'm looking at. Hers is certainly in the 98th percentile.

She is a commercial model. 5-7. So, more manageable, thus more appealing, to a boy like me at 5-11.

It would take an act of God to get her on a catwalk in Milan but her boob to waist to butt ratio looks like a scientist when into my dreams like Dicaprio and Joe Gordon Levitt and gathered up all the info that would make my weenie tingle the most and put it into one girl.

Such impeccable symmetry gives her a couple fake inches of height. And her stomach is hall of fame level.

What really makes her special, and what solidified her spot in the Instagram Power Rankings, is her self awareness. I live in LA. I am "flanked" by "models" on the reg -- who have clearly never seen a girl that looked like Kyra or they would tell me they were accountants...

or hell even President of Canada would be more believable than model -- it's refreshing to see a girl who is 100 percent aware of what she looks like. Her Instagram acct is 86 percent ass shots.

I did the math !

I also want to give myself the award for world's biggest pervert because I exclusively follow girls on Instagram based on the best bikini ass pics. JK I am not the biggest pervert at all. No one who is actually perverted would use the word 3 times in one paragraph while describing themselves.

I suppose I would call myself sexually driven on Instagram but I would only call that a perversion if I thought it was abnormal or shameful. I will call it perversion in this space however, because you are afraid to admit that you are all the same as me.

Like Tupac, I ain't mad atcha.

But I do know I'm right about you.

Because if you weren't "perverted" same as me, there would be no SI swimsuit issue.

No Maxim hot 100.

No Spankwire getting 200 million unique visitors everyday.

No girls walking around the desert with their entire bodies covered at all times.

No govt officials attempting to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies.

It's all under the same Machiavellian boner umbrella.

(I think I just had a Tyler Durden moment)

What I mean to say is that one would not be incorrect to say that Instagram as an entity stands on the prolific shoulders of perversion. One may even extend that argument to the internet as a whole.

Suddenly I'm no longer talking about the kind of "perversion" that takes my weenie tick up from soft to stiff.

I'm talking about real perversion.

Self perversion. Talk about deviance.

Is there anything more masturbatory than social media?

Who is your selfie for? Really? It ain't for me. Guess what? I don't give a fuck about your dog. Your breakfast. Your watch. Do you know who does? You.

Let's discuss your boner. Over yourself.


Back to Kyra.

She is amazing and I love her and not unlike Catullus before me, I want to give her a thousand kisses.

Then a hundred.

Then, another thousand.

And a second hundred

Then, yet, another thousand.

And a hundred.

...Or something

Thank me later xx.

The x's are for hugs :p