INSTAGRAM POWER RANKINGS @annaherrin

Anna Herrin

She's probably the best overall at Instagram.

It's between her and Izabel Goulart but I think Izabel might be dumb and is just marauding her sex in front of everyone because she has a 72 IQ and genuinely thinks people follow her IG for workout advice.

Anna acts most similarly to how I would act if I were a girl. Besides being bisexual, my main wish in life is to be a girl.

I could bring peace to the Middle East. I could break up Brad and Angelina and get Brad to marry me.

Wow.

I get gayer and gayer every time I talk don't I?

I'll be writing the next piece wearing capri pants and sandals.

When I say I want to be a girl, I want to be a girl like Anna or Izabel.

I would hate to be a girl that looks like Michelle Williams or even worse like Zooey Deschanel or that chick from Orange is the New Black.

It's no-mans land ... no woman's-land.

Like, you're pretty enough when you go to Ralph's to buy a head of cabbage but if you stand beside a model, you're immediately ugly.

It's almost as if a magician was standing over you and flicked his wrist and *poof* ugly.

"No, no, no you don't understand, I was pretty and men were interested in what I had for breakfast before I stood beside this 5-10, 128 lb girl with C cups. I swear."

I mean, it's still hell even when you're beautiful. I feel like Anna probably toggles between feeling like a million bucks and feeling like shit.

Life is hard when you're super hot.

I have nervous breakdowns in casting offices and I'm a man. I mean these guys look like angels.

All different races and eye colors of perfect looking people. And tons of them. I never saw people that looked like that until I walked into a casting office.

It must be a million times worse for girls.

And then you walk in the room and Swedish motherfuckers stare at you in your underpants while they smoke cigarettes on sticks.

Nothing makes you feel uglier than a casting. And you have to be beautiful to feel that ugly.

Wrap your mind around that shit.

I am Gertrude Stein.

Anyway, I am really thrilled to have my own page here at Empty Lighthouse although I am outraged that I can't post female nipples.

I can post male nipples??? WTF is the difference? Are my nipples less valuable. Like seeing Anna's nipples are going to change your life? But mine, oh just another Monday. Guess what, I have sexy nipples too.

It's like that scene in Friday...."every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the god damn refrigerator.

Eatin' all the food....all the chilins...all the pig feet...all the collard greens....all the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins. I like pig feet!!!!"

Except my nipples are John Witherspoon and they are having this conversation with Anna's nipples, who are Ice Cube.

And another thing.

A little birdie told me that they are looking for a female version of this page ranking hot men.

The problem with that is that most women can't separate good looking from powerful or famous.

It's just like I can't tell anything else about a girl if she's super beautiful. It distorts every other quality about her like a funhouse mirror.

No woman from a two parent home under 130 lbs that was loved and had healthy self esteem would have sex with Andrew Garfield if he worked at Walmart.

Being a movie star does not make him less ugly but somehow it makes him "hot".

By contrast, if Anna Herrin worked at Walmart, she would be just as hot.

Although her hotness makes it impossible for her to work at Walmart because she is too hot to not be a model.

I have no doubt she would rather lead a quiet life and not be stared at and be able to have friends that are men.

She has ideas and thoughts and hopes and dreams behind those pretty eyes and all those semi-nude yoga instagram pics.

I'm sure she wants nothing more than to sit down and talk about Homer and the Iliad and the magnificent job Alexander Pope did translating it to English.

But it's just so hard to hear what she's saying over the sound of my heart.

http://instagram.com/annaherrin

At the mall, there was a seance

Just kids, no parents

Then the sky filled with herons

etc. etc.