Five Ways to Die on John Malkovich's Crossbones: Episode Recap of The Covenant

If you've been following along with NBC's summer drama Crossbones, you know that with each passing minute new ways are devised to kill extras, as well as, of course, to threaten the main cast.

Last night we discovered a few more.

1.) Cross Blackbeard

A basic no-no that even the most oblivious of people can discern. Captain Sam Valentine, played by Stuart Wilson (whom you might recognize as a now-portly Don Rafael Montero, Catherine Zeta-Jones' fake father in The Mask of Zorro, a true classic), and Blackbeard's old friend has a serious case of what is known by doctors as "pirate envy".

The only known cure is embarrassing the crap out of your fellow pirate friends by telling stories they would rather not come to light.

This, of course, is known colloquially as "a bad move," and will end poorly for you. As badly as attacking Blackbeard after he's had yet another hallucination.

2.) Attacking Blackbeard

This seemed worthy of a mention, since this is how the only characters who actually die in this episode met their merry ends. Long Hair and Ratty Clothes both have a go at Blackbeard, getting a little blood on his nice, white gown in an attempt to get his own blood out of him.

Foolish Long Hair and Ratty Clothes. Didn't you know that Blackbeard is one of the main characters in Crossbones? And he's played by John Malkovich? Come on, read the script before you take a part.

3.) Too much opium

Well, I think this one is self-explanatory. When you (James Balfour, the husband of our main character's love interest) join the rebellion and are tortured to the point where you (James Balfour, mathematician) can't walk, taking too much opium and mixing it with rum is...not advisable. Even if it's the only way you (James Balfour, apparent opium lover) can get through the day.

I don't think that "a wife's love" is the answer either, though. At least this show is realistic in its terrible medical advice. I'm just waiting for Thomas Lowe to break the leeches out.

As a side note, I was pleased to see the prostitutes a) get some screen time and b) using contraceptives. As well as c) manipulating foolish young men into getting them more contraceptives.

4.) Hanging

Lowe and Valentine are both brought to the gallows accused of conspiring to kill The Commodore.

The point of this scene seems less to focus on the hanging, and more on the idea of the Athenian state that Blackbeard brought up earlier in the episode.

Although Valentine is left to strangle to death by Blackbeard, probably for revenge on Valentine for embarrassing him earlier, he doesn't actually die by hanging, but by shooting.

Lowe, of course, in typical Hero fashion, is saved by his Love Interest, Kate Balfour.

5.) This cool new thing called a Hellburner.

Seriously, check it out. You take a ship, stuff it full of fire ignition materials, and put the person you want to execute on it, with no clear way to escape.

I'd take it any day over watching the super-boring Thomas Lowe and the vaguely interesting Kate Balfour make out in a blandly tortured fashion.