Crossbones Recap of Antoinette: 6 Ridiculous Plot Points

Here we go:

1.) William Jagger's overblown villainy

While we're supposed to hate him, and to that extent the writers have really made him into a gross, threatening person, frankly, I just can't quite buy it.

He knows too much about too many people, and seems to have recognized all of them on sight, as he does in the opening scene with William Finnigan the pirate, or the whole of the last episode with Kate.

Jagger has encyclopedic knowledge about everyone in his crosshairs that rivals the CIA's in this day and age. His love of super-icky torture is a real turn-off and his plots are so dramatic and convoluted as to be unbelievable. If he carved his initials on the chronometer's knob as to be so small that the human eye cannot see them, how on earth could he tell they aren't there? This, and many other questions, will plague you as you try to sleep tonight.

"He doesn't have a microscope!" you will cry out, tossing and turning. "How does he know everyone's greatest weakness? And why is he so fond of eyes?" I don't know, gentle reader. I don't know. (But I am grossed out.)

2.) Blackbeard's visions

While the visions have been increasingly lame, this episode's encounters with the supernatural hit a real Lowe. (Get it? Because Lowe is the most boring main character in the history of main characters? Yeah. You get it.)

Lowe tells Blackbeard his visions are brought on by gazing directly into the light and has him stare into some candles for about 10 seconds before he passes out.

I'm pretty sure that Malkovich asked the writers specifically if they wouldn't let him spend the rest of the episode asleep.

They didn't grant his wish, but at least he doesn't have to be held responsible for a small part of this episode.

Of course, as soon as his Lady In White vision shows up with a small boy he runs right over and embraces his visions, all the while telling them they aren't real.

After catching a glimpse of who I think is the title character in jail in Jamaica, I think we have one option here: these are visions of Blackbeard's wife and possibly-dead son. Anyone have a different opinion?

3.) Lowe's suddenly deft machinations

Convincing Blackbeard he is on death's doorstep and must move up his plan to attack Jamaica, getting James Balfour, Kate's husband, to stop using opium and go into withdrawal just as things get hairy, all the while playing the humble doctor...this is a real turn-around from the idiot who Blackbeard catches at every turn.

I'm not sure I like it, to tell the truth. If I can't laugh at Lowe's beef-headedness, what joy will this show bring me?

4.) The continued inapplicable absence of sand in clothing

Everyone is constantly surrounded by sand. They live in the Carribbean, for Pete's sake.

Charlie is thrown down in the sand when sort-of fake-fighting the fighter-for-hire, Kate and Lowe take sad walks on the beach, and we constantly see Tim Fletch, played by Chris Perfetti, sweeping the sand out of his and Lowe's cozy little bungalow.

Why are these characters not constantly chafing from sand caught in their waistbands and underthings? I really don't get it.

5.) The Spaniard's treasure

I'm not amazed by the amount of treasure.

No, what I'm astounded by is how the Spaniard oh-so-conveniently let Blackbeard stand at the door to his treasure room to get a nice, long gander at just how much wealth he has lying around.

What say you that this will show up a couple of episodes later?

6.) The search for the wild island man

Tim (Perfetti) is ridiculous in this, asking Lowe why Lowe can't do the scary thing himself. It's a lot of fun, until he finds the wild island man's camp and just wanders around it.

You have to assume a few things going in: 1) Wild Island Man is aware of the town and chooses not to live there and 2) he's probably going to be hostile to strangers tramping around his home.

Going into a cave with no idea of what is in there, aside from a hermit who purposefully doesn't live around people makes my 'danger' siren go off. But maybe that's just me.

Shout-out to Nenna's (played by Tracy Ifeachor) character development in Antoinette. It does seem to be at the cost of Kate, who only had two or three lines all episode, but as we all know, women are boring and you can only have one on a show at a time before it implodes.

Exceptions to this rule have all done amazingly well and received rave reviews from the critics and are not to be paid attention to.

In all seriousness, I loved the reveal of her bi- or pansexuality, her budding friendship with Lowe and her defense of them to Charles, the only character we've really seen her interact with yet.

Hopefully the rest of the series shows us even more of her, especially as Ifeachor is one of the better actors on the show.