Netflix Streaming Review: Blue is the Warmest Color

I got a terrible crush the other day. It's been killing me.

She is in my blood.

Anyway, last week I had this idea where I would review movies that are streaming on Netflix. If I could afford movie tickets, I may not have had the idea.

This movie is awesome.

And not because of the lesbian sex. I mean, I never understand guys that get off on lesbian porn. Isn't the point of porn imagining yourself having sex with those people.

This is why I can't even fantasize about Candice Swanepoel.

The odds of her having sex with me are too slim to make it a realistic fantasy. And the only person that has less of a chance of having sex with me than Candice Swanepoel is a lesbian.

Right?

However, lesbian or not, I am in love with lead. Adele. Not that schmuck with the blue hair. And it's love. Not lust. I want to squeeze her hand as badly as I want to kiss her mouth.

I mean, until today, the sexiest movie character ever was Michelle Williams from Blue Valentine. Hammering home my point that looks only matter a whole lot and not completely.

Sexiness is about attainability and even more importantly maintainability. It's not just can i get her, it's can i get her more than once.

Or deeper still, especially pertaining to this movie, can i give her something she doesn't have?

Better yet, can I save her?

Attainability though. Again, lets revisit the Maxim Hot 100. This is why, for example, that Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Mila Kunis are ranked ahead of Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

I've kissed 2 dozen girls comparable and maybe 2 or 3 that are prettier than Mila Kunis. And I'm not even cool. How can she be ahead of a girl that's so perfect she's an alien in a sex contest??????

I'll use a personal example to explain a larger point: It's the same reason I would choose a Nissan GT350 over a Lamborghini Huracan. If you give me a car with a top speed of 200 mph, I would Jimmy Dean myself in about 12 seconds.

I can't have sex with Rosie Huntington-Whitely tomorrow for the same reason I'd turn down starring in a movie tomorrow if Cameron Crowe called me up and offered me the lead.

Life is best if climbed like a ladder. Not ridden like an elevator.

No offense to Big Pun & the Terror Squad.

What I mean to say is that the new king of sexiness in a movie is Adele. I want her so bad my face is ripping out of my head. She is the living breathing embodiment of an American Apparel ad snatching the belt out of Blue Valentine Michelle William's dirt under the nail fingers and placing it squarely on her own slightly, and ever so sweetly, slumped shoulders .

The only slight against her is that I've already seen her butt hole get licked and we haven't even met. If Kanye can handle it I can handle it. It's my favorite movie of 2013.